If the Mayans had it right, we’ll all be dead very, very soon. The year 2012, according to John Cusack and a bunch of meteorites, will bring about the fall of all we hold dear. Life as we know it will cease and we’ll be left with nothing but gas masks and comically worn clothes. A chosen few will survive – those whose pre-apocalyptic “clothes” are comically ragged to begin with… those oh-so-snarky and ironic college students modern science has labeled “hipsters.” Here, specifically formulated for the “self-aware” crowd, are some tips to survive a post-Facebook (and post-safety) world.

photo via http://www.latfh.com

1. Wear less flannel, more body armor.

If you can’t get body armor (I mean, this is post-apocalypse), maybe wear, like, 10 flannel shirts at once. When life gives you lemons, dress up like fat Kurt Cobain and hope for the best.

suit of armor

2. Cut vinyl albums into throwing stars.

I know it’s the rarest of the rare – a test pressing from Indie & The Indies, say – but survival comes first. Vinyl is actually pretty pliable, so (and this is just a guess) you can probably melt records down into little musket-balls a la Mel Gibson in “The Patriot.” This tip also requires a musket, apparently. Good luck with that.

3. Store food in your hair (or beard).

crazy beard Starving animals and radioactive super-people will be able to smell food from a mile away. Greasy hipster hair is one of the more odiferous substances in the universe, and usually comes with a good deal of volume (and bounce!). Animal crackers fit perfectly under a wave of unkempt nonsense.

4. Trade your knowledge for skills.

Farmers, scientists, and doctors love to learn about Polaroid photography and poker playing. They just do. Bring back the barter system and give it a go.

5. Vespas get good mileage, but also burn real nice.

Expect the nuclear fallout to keep most of the sun’s rays at bay. Your scooter is cute and all, and the color really works with your outfit, I know… but fire is fire and Vespas are mostly oil and plastic.

vespa alley

6. Quit smoking, undead dogs are fast

jar of cigarettes

By my calculations, a certain percentage of college students smoke. Stop it. You need those lungs to outrun the zombie Cujo that’s anxiously awaiting an eyeball feast. Chances of survival remain slim even if you roll your own cigarettes – it’s tough to impress zombies with your “street smarts.”

7. Leave the sarcasm at (the smoldering remains of) home.

When accosted by a gang of ruffians wearing gas masks and overalls, be polite. “Wow, how original!” is not the appropriate way to respond to their dress or overtures. Neither is yelling “whatevs” when being dragged back to their truck so they can “Search ya for eaties!”

8. “Green” means nothing when the sun is dying.

end of the world

If your college or university really pushed the “go green” thing, you’ll need a change of habit. Composting should be at the back end of your list of priorities. Don’t even worry about recycling – there’s no world to save, for one, and you just know it all goes to the same place anyway. Oh, wait, the glass-sorting factory is now where the local warlords meet. Never mind.

9. Don’t pay back college loans.

Seriously? You’re still sending checks to the people who financed your most expensive achievement to date? Stop it! Save your money on the off chance civilization survives and college debt is miraculously forgiven due to extenuating (alien invasion, etc.) circumstances.

10. Trust the math majors.

They were useless before all the calculators were broken. Now they are gods. Treat them as such, or ration your remaining food like the English/history/sociology/philosophy/theater/music/general studies major you were.

11. Cheap beer = Foot soakcan of pabst blue ribbon

First, a note: Do not drink the beer. I know you want to, but don’t, especially if you are under 21. (Even cannibals don’t drink and drive!) In case you stocked up on PBR rather than batteries and water purification tablets, know that a good “Beer Soak” is said to combat foot fungus. Thirty minutes, twice a day.

12. Do not drink what is left from #11.

dont drink sign

Seriously. Beer’s nutritional value is scant at best, and foot water is generally not a good thing to imbibe, even in the future.

13. Facebook is now unarguably a waste of time.

If it still works, Facebook will initially seem like a great way to get in touch with old friends, play games, and create groups with titles like “I bet I can find a million people who hated it when there [sic] parents got eaten!!?!!!” In light of recent (future) events, maybe you should rethink the time you spend tagging pictures and walking around in Farmville.

14. Posses are like electropop/dance-rock/synthpop bands – a dime a dozen.

hippy posse

Don’t just switch gangs all the time. Nobody really trusts the “new guy.” One thing’s for sure… you’ll never climb the hierarchy if your blood-thirsty colleagues think you’re nothing but an opportunist. Staying in the same group from the beginning (of the end) of things can make you seem “totally legit.”

15. Be careful where you sleep.

In other words, do not follow your old habit of sleeping wherever you happen to be at three in the morning. In a post-apocalyptic world, friends can become enemies and enemies can become super time-traveling enemies with a taste for flesh. Find some cover from the elements and other people, be it an underpass or pile of refuse.

Now, brave adventurer, set forth. Just be cool about it!

-Max Barth

2 responses to “15 Post-Apocalyptic College Hipster Survival Tips”

  1. Max Barth says:

    Hey, I wrote this. maxbarth.tumblr.com or follow me, if you’d like, at @heismaxbarth

    I hope these tips come in handy. Print them out and hang them up in your shower.

  2. Jared says:

    This post is hilarious! “Green” means nothing when the sun is dying = classic.

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