When President Obama stepped forward to receive this year’s Nobel Peace Prize, the world’s attention shifted to the annual celebration of prestigious achievements at the Nobel Foundation in Stockholm, Sweden. But unbeknownst to many are the Ig Nobel awards, which bestow honor among some of the world’s most outrageous research projects. From ovulating lap dancers and Nigeria email spam to archeological-dig wrecking armadillos and the beloved pink flamingo, the Ig Nobels are inspiration that one day, even your silliest school project can shine.

1. Ovulating Lap Dancers Get Higher Tips

The 2008 ECONOMICS prize went to Geoffrey Miller, Joshua Tybur, and Brent Jordan of the University of New Mexico, USA, for discovering that professional lap dancers earn higher tips when they are ovulating. The findings were so earthshaking at the time that a famous sportsman was rumoured to be considering a follow-up study he planned to finance personally. Unfortunately, unforeseen circumstances have made Mr. Eldrick “Tiger” Woods’ participation all but impossible at this time.

2.  Rats Understand Backwards Languages

In 2007, the LINGUISTICS prize was awarded to Juan Manuel Toro, Josep B. Trobalon, and Núria Sebastián-Gallés  of Universidad de Barcelona, for showing that rats sometimes cannot tell the difference between a person speaking Japanese backwards and a person chilklispeaking Dutch backwards. The operative word in this finding is “sometimes,” meaning rats can apparently understand languages spoken backwards. If this information isn’t enough to chill you to the bone, nothing will.

3. The Plastic Pink Flamingo

The Ig Nobel prize for ART in 1996 went to Don Featherstone of Fitchburg, Massachusetts for his ornamentally evolutionary invention, the plastic pink flamingo. While there is little that has remained unsaid about the infamous pink flamingo lawn decoration, it can be agreed here and now that not honoring it would have been a modern crime. I mean c’mon, it’s pink. And a flamingo! It deserves a stinkin’ prize.

4. “An Analysis of the Forces Required to Drag Sheep Over Various Surfaces”

In 2003, the Ig Nobel prize in PHYSICS was awarded to seven Australians for their report, “An Analysis of the Forces Required to Drag Sheep over Various Surfaces.” While the title itself stirs almost as much Monty Python-esque imagery as John Cleese doing a funny walk, it remains a given that the content would likely be of intense interest to sheep herders (and lovers) the world over. Commence shuddering now.

5. Nigerian Scam Emails Win Best Literature

The Ig Nobel LITERATURE prize of 2005 went to the Internet entrepreneurs of Nigeria for their creation of, and subsequent use of email to distribute a series of “bold short stories” about rich Nigerians separated from their wealth. It was mind boggling how the tale of needing only “a modest sum in advance” from a helpful stranger to get it all back was actually capturing the attention of a large group of (gullible) people. While the promised rewards never actually materialized, the expectant greed these spam-fired tales brought to the faces of far too many dense North Americans is unquestioned. Sadly, General Sani Abacha, Mrs. Mariam Sanni Abacha and Barrister Jon A Mbeki Esq are presumably still in exile, awaiting news on the imminent return of their purloined fortunes. We’re all pulling for them.

6. Archaeological Dig-Wrecking Armadillos

The 2008 ARCHAEOLOGY prize was presented to Astolfo Mello Araujo and Jose Carlos Marcelino for measuring how the course of history, or at least the contents of an archaeological dig site, can be scrambled by the actions of a live armadillo. While such a realization may strike most as common sense, it was apparently news to scientists. That untrained, and obviously non-credentialed (or tenured) wildlife might pose a threat to an open dig site begs the question: Was getting a few rolls of chicken wire really that much of a stretch? Sheesh…

7. Rectal Foreign Bodies: Case Reports and a Comprehensive Review of the World’s Literature

Special recognition must go to 1995 prize for LITERATURE. It was awarded to David B. Busch and James R. Starling of Madison Wisconsin for their research report, “Rectal foreign bodies: Case Reports and a Comprehensive Review of the World’s Literature.” Oh yes, this detailed, and shall we say “pointed” review chronicled the various and surprising things found inside the human rectum. All together now: 11 different fruits, seven light bulbs, two flashlights, a knife sharpener, a wire spring, a snuff box, an oil can with potato stopper, vegetables and other foodstuffs, a jeweller’s saw, a frozen pig’s tail, a tin cup, a beer glass and one very special ensemble collection of spectacles, a suitcase key, a tobacco pouch, and a magazine. While the partridge in the pear tree was not immediately evident, it has been more than a decade since this prize was awarded, so hope springs eternal.

~Jarrod Thalheimer